Three Little Pigs and many, many more

Actually, I've hardly been in Trichy since this term's started. I arrived a few days late, skived of a few more days two weeks later, and the same week, relief was brought about by a rather unexpected source of retribution on humanity. Yes, the pig has struck again, this time, with a vengeance. After starting rumours about suspected cases in college, my friend and I, I wouldn't divulge his name for security reasons, but you can read what he's got to say here, successfully started a wildfire, which successively took a more tangible form after every tree it consumed in its wake. Initially, we gave an anonymous Joe the dreaded swine flu, hoping the details would whip itself into shape, and funnily enough, we received the same rumour back again, only that our little anonymous friend now had a name, a year and his hostel mentioned. This had, sort of, exceeded our expectations, with wicked smiles of glee and lines from Shakespeare (the one about mischief being afoot and taking the course it wilts blah blah) being quoted every time someone mentioned the disease. So, panic spread, and one by one, everyone cleared the asylum, leaving the place to gather dust for the weekend. Classes got cancelled in waves of mass paranoia, with professors advising us to stay put in our rooms, words were hardly heeded to and we started sashaying about the campus celebrating the new found freedom, with frequent toasts to the lovable pig, our little sheep in wolf's clothing. However we later took a more serious stance and took off that evening, welcoming an extended weekend, a gift from the Swine God. Chennai greeted us with more paranoid losers, many wearing green underwear across their faces to protect themselves from God knows what (it'll get you anyway if it wants to, underpants or no underpants, by the way, get a life...); a meagre source of comic relief in these hard times. Anyway, I headed home with high hopes on my weekend, only to be crushed by the sensationalist harpies fluttering about in the halls of mass media, with over the top coverage and expressions of pretend seriousness on the anchors' botox stuffed faces. I know have been exiled indoors, but on the bright side, I'm at least home, away from the Sahara of college life, where clean rooms, cleaner bathrooms and a steaming cup of tea await me.

On Car-jacking, among other things...

There have been sightings of a huge bighead and a peaky stick figure with a weird thingy protruding from behind his right ear bumbling along on the roads of IIT Madras today after a long time. We were finally back to work again on our sorry excuse for a project for the week. After averaging barely two or three days a week schedule, it seemed to us all that the project was well in its way down the drain, especially after being lauded for the enthusiasm we showed (or not) by our either nice and naive or sensible and sarcastic professor. His comments did spark a new fervour in our otherwise sludgy and stagnated efforts. We entered into prolonged debates and discussions telling each other why it could not be done that way and why it was a roundabout waste of time. Moreover, we also did delve into the depths of our minds to tell whether our professor meant his compliments or not, a topic still on the table on grounds of a lack of conclusive evidence towards either possibility. Well, after weeks of ardent procrastination and a firm lack of interest, we had come to the conclusion that we had to do something about our project and that the moment was ripe to take the next step. It was at this juncture that we actually got around to doing something. After futile flounces in the steaming bowels of Richie Street, we finally bought a programmer that simply refused to work. Ever since, my project at IIT has been inching forwards showing vague signs of bleak progress. It was time my ever so close acquaintance and I put our heads together and came up with a list of things to do before we leave for our shantytown in Trichy. We did come up with a most elegant to-do list ranging from very novel and ingenious ideas like sniping from atop the elephant at Gajendra Circle to downright suicidal schemes like beleaguering our professor for a treat at Le Royal Meridian. More ludicrous ideas like finishing the project also came to mind, but was promptly rejected after deep hindsight. We did come up with a heavily orchestrated plan of novel car-jacking. Being more compact physically, my diminutive partner would distract the unsuspecting driver with neat tricks involving the common thumb detachment illusion, whilst I, more physically endowed, would wrest the car from the victim’s control. My partner, then, would feign protest and accidentally on purpose hit the accelerator and we zoom effortlessly to our desired location. Another attempt at tomfoolery involved poking our unpleasant noses into a documentary shot within the campus for a hitherto unknown reason. We would casually walk past the camera doing the cleverest of things like ballet dancing, acting drunk or slightly more subtle acts involving a foolish smile and a pretend maturity level of a two year old. Even digestive distress was on the agenda. Anyway, a thorough thesis on the subject will be put up after more meetings with my colleague and co-non-worker Pramod Emjay (kindly ask him what Emjay means if you’d love to see the imp go ballistic)

Flab, Food and NITT

As most of you who know me are aware, I’m chubby……. Okay really chubby… Fine, I can power New York City for a day if I start working out. So people around me thought something had to be done. After much nagging, wailing and gnashing of teeth, it was decided that our refrigerator is to be emptied of all things edible and replaced with stuff they feed sick antelopes in poorly maintained zoos. So, even I’ve been wondering, trying to rationalise the fact, breaking my head over how I ended up here in the first place. I’ve arrived at two main conclusions, the reasons for such a predicament. First of all, one must understand the laws of thermodynamics. Energy is conserved. And I’ve been conserving mine for the past nineteen years. As my high school teacher so prudently put it, “I think twice before lifting a finger”. Second of all, one must appreciate the importance of quality over quantity. Eat less, eat rich, that’s what I do. Even if it is a diminutive dessert, nothing short of extra sweet, extra creamy chocolate mousse (drool, drool...). Lunch would be just a single butter grilled sandwich but with mayonnaise dip seasoned with oregano and finely chopped mushrooms, for a dash of taste, coupled with some chips. So volume wise, it might not be much, but honestly, quality sits on the summit on this one. We buy so much cheese at home, on my recommendations, of course, that if we stopped right now, parts of Europe would enter a steeper recession. It’s a nice feeling you get when you know you’re propping an entire trade bloc’s economy up. Anyway, a monumental, apocalyptic, calamity has befallen yours truly; an ugly head in the shape of an empty fridge has shown up, infesting my household like a treacherous parasite. This catastrophic monstrosity of extreme proportions, popularly known as a diet, a will imposed upon me, was quite unflattering, frankly. Anyway, life must go on and therefore I still actively pursue my interests, for the most part, masterly indolence, chocolate mousse or not. As a result, I’ve managed to put on a few more pounds, partly because I deposit myself on a chair in front of my computer and more so because I’m at home. It’s kind of a jinx, really. Stay at home, I inflate ever so gradually, but surely, steadily. In fact, I’d genuinely like to find the reason behind such an irrational location dependent metabolism. As I went scouring for answers, the answer dawned upon me. While at home, I eat food, well, at least I’ve been brought up to believe as such, I eat nothing of that kind at college. We’re fed with the cheap quality fodder while the alfalfa goes to the numerous bovine friends that occupy our lands ever so smugly. Seriously, they have more freedom than we do. The onerous cows have become so much a part of our lives that you’ll get used to seeing the wretched beasts ambling along our corridors with trails of proof that they took the road not taken. Anyway, north would be north again, when I step into college for at least another week or two of living off my fat reserves, which ought to whip me back to some degree of respectable shape.


P.S. For effective slimming solutions, visit NITT, Tanjore Main Road,
National Highway 67,Tiruchirappalli - 620015,Tamil Nadu, India.
Lose 15lbs in a week or get your money back. **

**Conditions Applied.

Me, Myself and My Holiday

I got out to visit a sunny afternoon, with the sun setting the place ablaze and with the sweltering heat oppressing the inhabitants, the people walking about were not amused. The humidity didn't help either. With tempers and temperatures running high, the not so cheerful crowd went about their business with the usual enthusiasm of a malnourished cow, a pretty common sight on the country's roads considering the excellent belief that cattle can run amok, with no masters, a jewel in the spirit of India's crown. Apart from the fact that the state we stay in has two governments alternating every four years, with each progressively worse than the other and their valuable contributions when it comes to general deterioration of imaginary infrastructure are for sure not worth mentioning, we also have issues to occupy our minds like general disregard for traffic rules and further indifference for all property public. So, digressing from there with much difficulty, I wanted to say that I finally came home(For those not in the know, I'm from Chennai, previously Madras, which is an urban misfortune in South India), transported from one blast furnace to another, greeting the gush of white hot wind on my face. Every year, academic institutions, at least for now, have the last shred of humanity left that makes them feel that it is too inhuman to torture the students in the peak of summer. So I have two months of pure inactivity ahead of me, something to celebrate, the only oasis in the desert of college life. My itinerary (Thank you, Arun Ram) includes eat, sleep, eat, sleep and a few creature comforts like eating and sleeping all day long. Apart from my packed schedule for the day, I also have tonnes of stuff to catch up on. Parental pressure made yours truly apply for a project, hoping I wouldn't get any, and God's way of answering my prayers was doing the exact opposite of what I wanted him to do. Sure enough, I got a project, something I wouldn't have done even if I approached myself for a project, because my academic records are sure as hell not worth mentioning in the hall of fame. As unlikely as that event was, I now need to potter around at IIT madras, which I'm told is a real college unlike mine, as NITT was actually started off as a parody of government-run schools. Funnily enough, no one got the joke, the place actually got pretty famous and here I am, ranting about the inside story to anyone who cares to listen. Anyway, my schedule of much deserved lolling around has been cut short by a month and I wouldn't say I'm exactly happy about it. Apart from that, these few months will turn out to be as uneventful as possible, much to my taste, or at least I'll make sure it is. You would understand if you were as big a sloth as I am. So, as I was saying, the project might have been a blip in the flawless landscape of my dream holiday, but I'd like to see the glass half full and say I have one and a half months to kill. My tropical adventure at home would generally begin with my finger casually flicking my air-conditioner on, doing the same to my PC, and typing inane claptrap flitting around across my head, playing some games, not the racy action type, but the laid back strategy games that take hours or even days to finish, and general indolence on my couch in front the TV flicking through channels pointlessly. Now that you have the general picture, Do the same thing for the next ninety or so days, slow down time till it inches away letting you savour and revel in every moment that makes you do nothing and you have Me, Myself and My Holiday.